God, Let’s Make A Deal

If you could only grant me this one thing…

Please do not take my best friend from me.

She and I are supposed to outlive our husbands and grow old together having outdoor adventures.

Please let that 5 inch growth the doctors found on her ovary be benign and her surgery this week remove anything that could remotely be cancerous.

I can’t lose her, Lord.

We only get one true best friend in this life and she is mine. From that first year in college 30 years ago, through my first marriage and into my second, watching our kids grow up, and so many stories around the campfire every year. Countless smiles and tears.

This isn’t how it is supposed to go.

She is my constant.

I have always imagined what it would be like to lose a parent or a sibling. My son. An anxious mind has had me spending more than its fair share of time going through endless scenarios of loss and grief over loved ones.

But I never considered the loss of my best friend.

Until now.

It feels surreal.

God, please don’t think I am ungrateful. I know that in 2020 another bestie dodged breast cancer with surgery and chemotherapy. Thank you for that blessing! And for all my family and friends who are still here today despite a pandemic. God, you are so good.

But could you do this one little thing for me?

I’ll pray for doctors to do their thing as well as healing and peace for my friend. I’ll pray for strength and understanding for her family. You are the one Great Healer and You know how all our stories begin and end.

Just please don’t let cancer be the end of hers.

God, let’s make a deal.

“Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.”

3 John 1:2

But What If It Is God You Are Angry With?

My husband and I have been spending a few Tuesday nights now with our amazing pastor and his wife, kind of a marriage mentor thing. I love our time together if mostly because it puts the focus on our relationship and we actually talk about things that need to be talked about.

One of the topics that comes up is being able to forgive, let go and move on from hurts in the past. Obviously this is super hard but equally important for any loving relationship. You can’t be free to love if you are holding onto past trespasses, right? And isn’t that exactly what we are called to do by Jesus? He forgives us so we should also forgive those we love.

I just finished watching the movie The Shack which is playing on Netflix right now. I know I have read the book and I thought I had seen the movie forever ago but it turns out I have not.

The basic theme of that movie is about when something tragic (evil) happens in our lives and we don’t understand how God allows that to happen to “good” people. And then this turns into anger against God.

What if it is GOD we can’t forgive?

It has me thinking about how I can rationalize the behavior of my husband or my step daughter and forgive them (forgetting is often something else). They are only human.

But what about God? He knows exactly what He is doing!?!

Our marriage has been so much harder than I thought it would be and there is part of me that feels I did all the things I was supposed to do in order to have a “good” marriage (aside from marrying someone I love and want to spend the rest of my life with).

I married a Christian man.

We waited until we got married to live together and have sex.

We had premarital counseling.

We talked about what we wanted in our lives like being in mission, praying together and living a Christian life.

And yet we struggle so. I knew it would not be easy but somehow, I thought it would be at least easier…

I admit, I feel resentful.

Sure, I spend plenty of time beating myself up for things I could have done differently. Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

Sure, I tell myself ALL THE TIME about how this is for my good, I’m growing into a better, more loving person, all this testing is refining us. Some day we will be on the other side and laugh about all the trials and tribulations.

And yet there are still days when I can’t help but bring my doubt to Him and say, “Didn’t I do all the things I was supposed to, Lord?”

“Why have you forsaken me?”

But in all seriousness, some days I just wish it was easier. And no, I am not angry at Him. I know life isn’t easy and wasn’t meant to be. And I also know that this frustration I have inside me won’t go away as long as I am looking for someone to blame for the struggles rather than accept and forgive.

Back to the war room, I go.

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Psalm 103:12

Have You Actually Read The Bible?

Back in January, in an effort to do something a little differently with the stereotypical resolution thing, my husband and I decided to complete the Bible Project’s One Story That Leads To Jesus reading plan on the YouVersion app. Basically, it’s reading the Bible daily for one year sprinkled with devotional videos from Bible Project.

Today was day 232 and we are slogging through 2 Chronicles (each day topped off with Psalms). In a nut shell, 2 Chronicles is a synopsis of the chronicles of the kings leading up to David and thus to Jesus. You will find an endless string of “he did or did not do right in the eyes of the Lord” along with a massive amount of blood shed, gore and burnt offerings. I must say I have been relying heavily for the last few books on the “read to me” feature of the app where I can set the speed at 1.5.

Throughout this journey, I can’t help but ponder whether very many people have actually read the entire Bible. I know I sure hadn’t. Clearly, what I have been dished up most of my life was all the G-rated, follow-thy-God scripture and verses heavily favoring the New Testament.

With their own hands compassionate women have cooked their own children, who became their food when my people were destroyed.

-Lamentations 4:10 NIV

You shall acknowledge no God but me. . . . You are destroyed, Israel. . . . The people of Samaria must bear their guilt, because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open.

-Hosea 13:4,9,16 NIV

And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son….

-2 Kings 6:28-29 KJV

And I haven’t even mentioned what God did to Job yet.

Have you read the bible in its entirety? What did you think (beyond its historical context)? Did it change how you felt about God, the Christian religion or your faith?

For me, my faith is strong. But I do wonder what these depictions tell me about human nature and the history that lead up to Jesus. So much violence in the name of God. Violence that still continues today. What does it mean to be Christian and what is my responsibility now?

How about you?

“Put your sword back in its place,” Jesus said to him, “for all who draw the sword will die by the sword.

Matthew 26:52 NIV

Now Is Your Chance To Find Out

I have to say I was sorely disappointed in the message at church this morning. Falling back on the “this was already written before Wednesday” was not enough. Talking about how “hard and challenging” it was for pastors to preach this morning was not enough.

Yes, we should love God and our neighbor as ourselves.

But our nation’s capitol was invaded by white supremacists and antisemitics and there is NO better time to take a stand and say this is NOT what Jesus preached. Unless you are too worried about losing tithes? Or followers?

https://www.npr.org/…/faith-leaders-nearly-unanimous-in…

In case you have any doubt on what types of groups were represented, you can read more here.

https://www.jpost.com/…/capitol-riots-what-far-right…

Was everyone there a part of these groups? No. Have people used the bible and Christianity to justify horrible atrocities against their fellow man for centuries? Yes.

We have a responsibility as Christians to say this is not okay and not support these groups that wish and perpetrate harm on our neighbors. And have for centuries.

Do you wonder what you would have done in Nazi Germany? When Japanese Americans were interned during WW2? During McCarthyism? During the Civil Rights Movement of the 60’s?

Now is your chance to find out.

Speak up.

There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer male and female; for all of you are one in Christ Jesus.

-Galatians 3:28.

If you are a Christian and you want to hop on here to say, “But what about…”, just stop. Go spend some time praying over your affiliations and how your actions match up with your faith and what Jesus taught in the Bible.

It Is Time To Turn From False Gods

I thought I would feel so much more happy today but it has morphed into a general sense of relief and muted optimism. The work is not done, this is only a small step.

I feel for friends and family who had made a false god of our president and other politicians, placing their trust and faith in broken human beings who can not deliver on promises only God can keep. Their anguish is real.

In America, we have become a people so easily swayed and lead by celebrities, false prophets and worldly goals. We believe ourselves to the the victims and chosen people of God when in fact, we are more likely to be the Pharisees and guards spitting on Jesus.

We elevate pastors, politicians and leaders to the level of heaven even when their actions do not match the teachings found in the Bible. All in the name of cherry picked verses that justify beliefs stemming from our human frailty rather than the Heart of God.

The harder Americans fight to inject God into an earthly government, the further we fall from His design for us. The more we elect officials as false gods instead of becoming the people God meant for us to be, the more expansive the gap between us grows.

And it is a Grand Canyon of a span, one where it is hard to even fathom its depth or width. It splits families, friends, neighborhoods and a country. It is what our founding fathers escaped from and hoped to prevent in the creation of our country when they argued for separation of church and state. They had experienced first hand what it meant to be religiously oppressed and began a country where government did not impose religion on its people or make gods of its ruling officials.

But here we are.

My heart prays for those who call themselves Christians to turn from false gods and seek only Him. Turn from the earthly goal of a government that dictates religious doctrine. Rather, choose to become The Church and Body of Christ here on Earth by serving the least of these with humility and without judgment.

On the appointed day Herod, wearing his royal robes, sat on his throne and delivered a public address to the people. They shouted, “This is the voice of a god, not of a man.” Acts 12:21-22

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

Surrendering Your Dreams To God

One of my favorite podcasts right now is from Family Life and Family Life Blended.  So many of their episodes speak right to what is happening in my life right now.  They have helped me step down from the ledge more than once.

A most recent episode of Family Life is the perfect example.  Lara Story spoke about her life and marriage with Keeping Your Eyes On Jesus.  Mostly about how when the brain tumor her husband was diagnosed it meant the end of everything she held as true about her marriage.  And how God is working grace through that tragedy And into their lives.

She was so full of joy and peace!  She is 15 years into her marriage with 13 years of it consumed by her husband’s tumor and recovery and yet she has the most grace-filled outlook.  I can only imagine there have been some canyon deep moments before she was able to see herself up on that mountain.

When I struggle with the turns my marriage has taken, I often reach out to Him.  “Okay, God, I know you are here in all of this.  I’m not sure what your plan is but I need to leave it up to you.”  It doesn’t always work (the me part) but I’m trying.  It is so easy to get all caught up in my feelings.

How do I really knows what that looks like, to leave it all up to Him? I am still in the middle of all this blended family life and it is such a struggle.  How do I truly leave it up to God when reality is I am still a player in the game?  How do I still show up while what I thought my marriage would be fades into the abyss.

Listening to Lara tell her story I couldn’t help but compare her husband’s tumor to the drama of my husband’s family.  If a brain tumor didn’t destroy her marriage, why would I let the all-consuming relationship between my husband and his step kids destroy mine?

It boils down to letting go, surrendering my own dream for what God has in plan for us. I can not control what is happening around me, I can only control myself. I need to show up each day and be the best me.  The best wife.  I can not let the drama bring me down to its level. I have been spending too much time giving my power to that drama, allowing it to bring out the worse in me.  I need to stop, take back that power and give to Him.

My pastor often says that our job is to just show up and be open to what God has in store for us.  We need to be present with palms up.  Empty and without our own agenda.  To come without space for God to do His work only leads to pain and suffering.  There is a literal release of pressure that happens when we rest with our palms up, and listen.

That is the opposite of what I have been doing.  I have been showing up to my marriage with my agenda.  All those things that my husband and I talked about that would be our life.  My expectations as a step parent.  And being unhappy when all those things have not materialized.  Who has that really helped?

The truth is that we rarely get to see all our dreams come to fruition. It is more likely that we learn to find joy in what life presents for us.  That is the dream.  That is what we can hope for.  Pray for.  Only God can bring that joy.  If we hang that on the frail humans around us, we will always come up empty handed.

God is bigger and better than anything we can imagine. When we surrender our dreams with our palms up and ready to receive, we may well end up with dreams bigger than we ever imagined.

 

 

Humble yourself before the Lord, and He will lift you up.  James 4:10

Photo by yugdas manandhar on Pexels.com

 

Not One Of My Wisest Decisions

I wrote this lately in a stepmom Facebook group when someone asked if anyone regretted marrying a man with kids.  I said that I have no regrets but that I don’t consider it one of my wisest decisions.

I love my husband very much.  No regrets.

But even though I would gladly choose my husband again, I can not say that marrying him was necessarily a wise decision no matter how much I love him.  Why might I say that?

Just a few statistics for you:

• 70 percent of remarriages where kids are involved ends in divorce.  70 percent.
• It takes 7-12 YEARS for a blended family to feel stable or “normal”.

We were having a heated argument a few months ago that revolved around the kids (of course) when I semi-quoted in exasperation, “I did not choose wisely.”

One of our common sayings to each other is “I choose you.”  It’s in our vows.  So, of course, when I said this my husband heard that I did not consider him a wise choice.  That I regretted him as a choice.

In my heart, I meant that I had not made a smart choice. A wise choice.  I had chosen, instead, from the heart.

A wise woman might have waited until his children were grown.  A wise woman might have done a lot more research about blended families beforehand.  A lot more counseling.  There are probably a plethora of things a wise woman might have done before she married a man with 4 children.

I do not feel like a wise woman.

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, Our First Anniversary Is In The Books, creating a blended family is one of the hardest thing two people can do.  It is a living hell, actually.

During a recent sermon at church I passed my husband a note with the words the pastor had just spoken, “These trials will make us stronger, our relationship with each other and with God.”

I may not be wise but I do believe God knows what He is doing and I work daily to leave it all up to Him. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done and tests me constantly.  I have to remind myself that marriage is not a sprint but a marathon.  I have to step back, pause, and pace myself because I am in this for the long haul.

It is by faith that you stand firm.  2 Corinthians 1:24

Photo by Burst on Pexels.com

Is Yours a God of Walls or Doors?

“The message of Jesus is not offensive because of who gets left out but who gets let in.”

 

I can’t remember who said this quote but I have it written in my prayer book.  I tried to do a Google search but came up empty-handed.  If you know its source, please let me know!

A lot of people who claim to be Christian (a follower of Jesus Christ) seem to spend quite a bit of time talking about walls and building them lately.  Actually, it probably isn’t a new thing, Christianity has been used over the centuries to keep “those people” out from wherever those who deem themselves worthy dwell.

But this was not the message of Jesus.

Jesus did not care for status or anyone’s past. His death on the cross meant that we no longer have to earn God’s love.  Jesus was about opening doors and breaking down walls.

If what you think about Christianity feels like a wall and there is no room for you at the table, then it is not Christianity.  Jesus made a table with a seat for everyone.

If you spend more time thinking about getting people to change their ways instead of loving them simply for being a child of God, it is not Christianity. If you are not trying to welcome everyone in the door of God’s house with open arms, it is not Christianity.

 

So Jesus again said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep.  All who came before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them.  I am the door.  If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go out and find pasture.”  John 10:7

Our First Anniversary Is In The Books

Beaches are great for discovery, wandering thoughts and the soothing sound of nature. My husband I celebrated our first wedding anniversary this weekend with some time away on the Washington Coast walking the shore and opening conversations.

They say that the first year of marriage is the hardest and I hope that is true.  If this past year is any indicator, we should be rolling into smoother waters anytime now.

Nothing is like we had planned and thought we would be a year down the road from our wedding day.  That may or may not be a good thing, the judges are out.

When they say blending families is hard, they are doing everyone thinking to merge two families a disservice.  Blending families is horrible, don’t let anyone sugar coat it.  It is like giving birth.  If they really told you how it was, more people would skip it all together.  And by some gift from God, you forget how bad it was by the time you decide you want to do it again.

I thank God we have made it this far and I look to Him for guidance in the years to come.  I have told myself and my husband we are not in a sprinting event, this baby is a marathon.  A marathon I don’t care about winning, as long as we set our own personal record by seeing it to the end with God’s love and assurance.

The Sweetest Sound

When someone you love tells you that they love you for the first time.

The initial shock.  Did he just say what I think he did?

It hangs there in the air.

What do you say back?  Just saying “I love you,too” doesn’t quite seem like enough but it exactly what the other person is hoping to hear.

“I love you, too.”

The sweetest sound.